Sep
5
PLUCKING TEARS
Filed Under Family, Healing, Life, Peace, Plucking Tears, Tears of a Warrior | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
Plucking Tears is not an easy thing to do, especially when the water works fall faster than you can pluck. Another problem to consider is how do you pluck tears when they are inside your heart and soul? These water drops are harder to access. Many times some do not even recognize they are weeping. The suffering is so silent, so hard to define that outsiders rarely, if ever, observe the sobs.
War is an extreme opportunity to frequently pluck tears. There are tears of grief, tears of sadness, tears of loss, tears of confusion, and the list could go on and on. As soon as you think you are done with the weeping, it returns for another round. It takes an emotionally powerful person to allow tears. Most of us are afraid if we start the crying we may not be able to stop. It is a frightening thought. Yet, whether we allow ourselves to cry openly on the outside, the sobbing will move through our spirits.
I once heard that some wars are GOOD wars. For me, there is no such thing as a good war. There may be “just” wars, but even then this does not make war good. All wars cause a great deal of woundedness. Woundedness for those fighting the battles, and woundedness for anyone close to the combat zone. Communities are devastated by the carnage left behind, families are torn apart, and individuals carry the scars forever. War gives a great many people frequent occasions to Pluck Tears. Wouldn’t it be great if we could get just a bit of peace from the plucking?
May
19
TOUCHED BY COURAGE
Filed Under Brain Injury, Combat PTSD, Events, Family, Giving, Life, Love, PTSD, TBI & PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Trauma, Veterans, Wisdom | 4 Comments
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
A few weeks ago, Tony and I spent several days in the Grand Strand area of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
It was Military Appreciation Week.
Due to the special invitation of Retired Army Officer Sinclair Swan, we had the privilege of working with two local groups of military veterans, their spouses and family members.
During the day we met with several group members and their spouses. It was an amazing opportunity to not just speak to the individuals in attendance, but to listen and hear their stories as well. Each account reminded us of the enormous amount of courage it takes to get up each day, live it as best one can, and give back to others.
Two of the veterans have adult children who experienced traumatic car accidents which left them with severe head injuries. These vets are now the primary care givers. Not only have they endured their own trauma; now they must bear the suffering of their children. Several are challenged by serious health issues for them and/or their spouses.
Yet, they continue with great effort and fortitude to move forward. It is a humbling gift to have others shares their trauma and heartbreaks.
Contrary to some public perspective, most of these vets have lived and are living successful and productive lives. In spite of their demons, they have deliberately chosen to not let the past destroy the future. They have elected to make a difference for themselves, their families, their communities. Sinclair Swan meets every Saturday with vets who need help in filling out government forms to obtain services. Each has made significant contributions to serving others.
One individual wrote a special poem many years ago. Upon returning from Vietnam he described how he became homeless, sleeping in parks, and getting his “fixes” when needed. Then, one day, another homeless friend suggested they go to a church soup kitchen for a meal. It was there that a miracle occurred and his life changed. He got his faith back, his spirit, and eventually his life. At that time he wrote a poem which he has allowed us to share with you.
A Poem
By William Huffaker
If I only had one wish to make,
but that wish would surely come true.
I’d wish that I would be given the light
to turn the darkest sky into blue.
Now to you this may sound
like my mythical dreams
have blurred my vision
so that this only seems
to be an illusion
of hopeful abound,
and that my wish
I’ve not really found.
But I’ve found it I tell you.
As I’ve sought it in truth.
And I know now this answers’
been here since my youth.
But I just couldn’t see
through the clouds in my mind.
Through delusions of grandeur
I just couldn’t find.
This fabulous dream
that just had to be,
waiting and knowing,
someday that I’d see.
And even though skies
still sometimes turn black.
And visions of grandeur
still sometimes come back.
I know that there’s light
in the darkest of night.
And the tenderest loves
never far from my sight.
And now that my dream
has become something true.
If I had one more wish,
I would wish it for you.
Sep
21
FAMILY STRENGTH
Filed Under Family, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Treating PTSD, Wisdom | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
It is obvious that living with PTSD is a challenging journey. We hear so much about what doesn’t work, I wanted to take this time to talk about what does. The media seems ready to publicize the ugly side of trauma, yet it fails to show the other face of the family story – the good side. What those of us who have and are still learning from the PTSD experience, is the fact that the unpredictability of the memories and behaviors are what makes the struggle so darn difficult.
So what does work? 1). Listening. Gosh, this is something few people do very well, including those who don’t have to live with PTSD. 2). Sharing. Sharing what is needed for others to recognize where each member of the family stands. Sharing doesn’t mean spilling every tiny detail of your existence, only the things that are required for understanding. 3). Problem Solving. One person is rarely the only source of a family conflict. The biggest trick to effective problem solving is to spend 10% of time defining and discussing the problem and 90% of the time working it out. For many of us, we often do just the opposite. Last, and probably the most important, is the deep desire to get better and be better. No excuses. No blaming; just a lot of personal and joint effort.
If we pay close attention to what is working, as well as what isn’t, we may be able to replicate those positive moments. Focus on duplicating what we are doing right. Even if these strategies don’t work all the time, for most of the daily living together, it may be “good enough”. And right now, I’ll take that as personal success.
Jul
12
TEARS OF A MOTHER
Filed Under American Patriotism, Combat PTSD, Family, Tears of a Warrior | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn
It came in the mail, a letter from a mother of a young vet who has already served a year of duty in Afghanistan. Even though we receive numerous letters from mothers, wives, vets, and even their children, this one kept coming back to my mind. Her words echoed the immense sacrifice families contribute when their loved one(s) serve in the military.
Given the current state of the economy, many military personnel cannot find employment once they are out of the armed forces. Some are left with few viable options to support themselves and/or their families except to re-enlist. This is the situation her son finds himself in now. Having to think about him returning to Afghanistan where every day becomes a bit grimmer is an alarming prospect.
What made her letter resonate familiar memories in me was going back to a time when I, as a young girl, watched and listened to the emotional rollercoaster my Mom (and Dad) went through while my brother was in Vietnam. Some nights when Dad was working late and she thought I was already asleep, I could hear her muffled crying. I am sure she was sobbing into her pillow to reduce the noise of her tears. It broke my heart because I knew there was little I could do to comfort her worries.
Later, after my brother returned home carrying the burdens of war, my mother faced another challenge – how to soothe, support, and deal with a young man who was very different from the happy-go-lucky son she once knew.
The tears continued as did the worries, for she understood that this new battle waging inside of my brother was just as formidable as those he faced in combat. And she understood, once again, there was little she could do to alter my brother’s new journey. She could be present to offer love and the stability of home, but he must be the one to do the work of emotional healing.
Combat’s wounds continue to take an enormous toil on the entire family, not just the vet. Such grief still continues to be done in silence, for vets and their families have long intuitively understood that few people who have not been in their position have a clue about what is occurring, every part of every day. Even if someone was willing to listen, how could one put into words the many hidden demons that returned as part of the baggage of war?
So many tears, so many wounds, and so much healing work still to be done. As long as war is part of our world, there will always be the sacred “Tears of a Mother”.
We need to remember to keep these gentle souls in our own hearts and prayers, and, perhaps somewhere in the distant future, there will no longer be a need for tears to be shed because of war, greed, or some leaders’ insatiable need for power.
When and if such a state of affairs ever happens, tears might be replaced with joyfulness and peace. We can only hope.
Jun
24
PTSD Series Discussion #4
Filed Under Combat PTSD, Events, Family, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, War | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn
How can we talk about PTSD as a family?
Gosh, this is a tricky question with an even trickier answer. As we have discussed in most of the prior questions, the first step is to acknowledge that upon returning from combat things aren’t quite normal. Become informed about the signs and symptoms of PTSD. Be honest as much as you can about what each of you is feeling. As the service person, you don’t have to go into all of the horrible details of your experiences, but you do and will need to discuss the truth that your military life in a combat zone may have been pretty distressing; that what you saw and did was often unsettling.
As the significant other or spouse, your role initially is to just listen. Try not to ask too many questions. Sometimes it may seem you are prying. Try and wait a bit before going into the details. But it is crucial, as a family, to talk. Silence is simply not an option. It creates distance by making assumptions about behaviors that may not be accurate.
In our book, we describe an incident where a young man who had been in several roadside bombings returned home from Iraq. On a quiet Saturday afternoon, the family decided to take a trip out of town to a favorite shopping center. It was to be a fun outing of togetherness. Things were going well until the young family came to bridge where a man waving for help was standing by the roadside next to a car with a flat tire. The wife suggested they stop and help, however, the young serviceperson immediately turned his vehicle around in the middle of the road, angrily stomped on the gas and headed home. Not knowing what was happening, the wife assumed her husband was acting unreasonably. It was a silent ride back to town. The young vet never told his wife what was going on in his mind. Later, during his scheduled visit to his VA counselor he retold the story. He knew his wife and children were upset with him for ruining their fun afternoon. However, what he saw was not an ordinary man with a flat tire needing help. What his mind and body saw and felt was a possible setup for an IED (Improvised Explosive Device). He had seen this many times during his tour of duty in Iraq. He had two thoughts to keep his family out of harms way: 1) He could shoot the “terrorist” standing on the roadside, or 2) He could, without delay, get his family away from the danger zone. Understanding that shooting the “threat” was probably not the best decision, he chose option two. Makes perfect sense, but without talking he went home angry and upset. And his family had no clue as to what had just occurred.
In our book we advise “If you care, you share”. Sharing creates understanding. Understanding generates compassion. And compassion establishes hope and protects the relationship.
Another word of advice about discussing a concern: Never try and sit down to talk over an issue when one or both parties are in a full pitch of rage or anger. You can’t stop a charging bear… it is already on a mission to attack. You must wait until tempers are calmer and conditions settle down enough to have a reasonably calm and “adult” discussion. If a blaming game begins, stop immediately. Blaming never solves the problem; it only throws more fuel on a hot fire. Use “I” statements such as, “I start to feel afraid when I see you getting angry and I don’t understand why?” or “It is hard for me to go to family events without you. I miss doing things together and want to know what I can do to make it OK for you to attend some of our family get-togethers.”
Most of our family conversations, once we began to understand what we were facing, resulted in a compromise that everyone could agree would make the situation better for all involved. We now try not to live on assumptions by doing a reality check with the person. For family events, every person becomes responsible for him or herself. Sometimes my husband chooses downtime away from a houseful of noisy people. He goes to a quiet room to watch TV or read a book while the rest of us play a rowdy game of Pictionary or Shout It Out. This is a Win/Win for everyone and is absolutely acceptable behavior.
Apr
6
Happy Easter
Filed Under Combat PTSD, Easter, Family, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior | Comments Off
In our family, Easter is a time to gather and celebrate the Good News. Our last blog focused on the challenges often associated with holidays along with some suggestions for making the day less stressful.
We are happy to report that our Easter celebration was wonderful. We had our sons, several of their friends, Jan’s sister, and two extra dogs for the afternoon. At times it could have been a bit hectic, however by following some of our own suggestions the day went quite well.
As the day went on, Tony made his choices based on how he was feeling and what he wanted to do at the time. Since there were a few basketball games on TV as well as a good movie, he had some quiet time in our lower family room. Most of the guests remained upstairs where goodies were arranged for munching and chatting.
Since the weather was warm with plenty of sunshine, after dinner everyone took a long walk, working off some calories and getting the four-legged visitors out for some exercise. Just being outside in the open air was very therapeutic. It is amazing how calming nature can be in normalizing an otherwise busy gathering.
The evening ended with playing our traditional family games which can be quite loud and annoying for some. So Tony once again spent some quiet time reading and watching March Madness.
What is important is that everyone had a good time, had plentiful opportunities to engage in a variety of activities, and made choices that were appropriate for each person. Long ago we stopped apologizing for any person who decides to make an alternative choice for the day. Each person is responsible for him/herself and each person has permission to do what is best for him/her anytime during the celebrations. By reducing unnecessary expectations, the large gatherings go much smoother.
We are so blessed to be able to spend quality time with family and friends. It is important, therefore, that these special occasions turn out to be special because of the good things that occur, instead of some outburst that will be remembered miserably.
Congratulations family! We made it perfectly through another holiday.
Jun
11
Advice for When a Soldier is Away
Filed Under Light A Candle | Comments Off
What would you do if your spouse or loved one had to leave for a year or more? Not for a new job or long vacation, but to a place where danger abides in guns & rockets, roadside bombs, ambushes, and other mediums of war. Only a small percentage of today’s Americans have experienced this scenario. For those who do, each individual and family survives such an event differently. Knowing the availability of resources can provide comfort and reassurance at home during deployment. Emotional steadiness, from community support to financial security can impact the journey. The first counsel is to remember; no healthy man, woman, or child is an island. The better your posse (group of family & friends) the more likely you will get through the ordeal intact. If you hear a “boogieman in the basement”, know who to call for help. Noises frightened me too. That’s why I am in favor of having a dog as a trusted member of my posse. The four-legged helper does not have to be big, just has to have good listening skills and be yappi enough to provide a good “alarm system”. They also provide comfort during times of need. They can truly be your security blanket!
Next, don’t isolate yourself. Do things you enjoy. Light scented candles for short meditations. Read good books. Go for long walks, take in a fun movie and have lunch with friends. Surround yourself with happy, but compassionate friends. Do something for someone else. It’s hard to focus on your personal problems when you are out there helping another person in need.
Call the military’s Family Support Group. They have resources such as cell phones, internet connections, communication advice, home repair, mental health therapist, etc.
Oh, and for those of you reading this blog who wants to do something for a military person or his/her family, I have listed a few suggestions below:
- Adopt a family of a military deployed person. Take over dinner. Baby-sit for a few hours. Take the spouse or parent to lunch or a movie. Anything that takes some of the pressure off of the ones remaining at home.
- Adopt a soldier. Almost every military person tells tales of how depressing and terrible it is to not get mail or care packages. While many are experiencing a sort of Christmas during mail day, many are left alone, not remembered, and feeling a bit abandoned. It is common knowledge that today’s military individuals do a lot of internet ordering just to get something in the mail when they are away. It’s quite simple, really. The person just wants to feel that his/her sacrifices are noticed and appreciated by someone, somewhere.
- When the soldier returns home, look for ways to support his/her reintegration into civilian life. Find out what he needs or wants. As one vet told us, “Sometimes people give us flowers when we really want chocolate.”
On a recent discussion with deployed family members, a mother wisely counseled us on what most vets and their families want from our country and community: Love, Support, Honor, and Respect………….that’s not much to ask for their sacrifices, don’t you agree?