Oct
15
DOES ANYONE CARE?
Filed Under American Patriotism, Tears of a Warrior, Today's War, Trauma, Troops, Veterans, War | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
It’s been on the news and in the papers – the latest studies about our military personnel serving in Iraq and Afghanistan.
The studies done by the Pew Research Center were based on two surveys between July and September (Denver Post, Oct. 6, 2011). One survey focused on military individuals who are currently on active duty along with those who have served but are no longer active. The second survey polled over 2000 adults who had never been in the military.
What disturbed me most however was not the report that many of our troops are either “ambivalent” or do not feel the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were “worth the sacrifices”. Nope, what was most unsettling for me was that adults polled who had never served in the military did not give much thought to those serving in combat. Many felt that those who volunteered to serve their country knew what they were getting into.
- 84 percent of these modern-era warriors say the general American public has little or no understanding of the problems they face, with 71 percent of the public agreeing.
- Many Americans agree that since the terror attacks in the U.S., the military and their families have made more sacrifices than the general public. But even among this group, only 26 percent say this gap is “unfair,” while 70 percent say that it’s “just part of being in the military”. (msnbc.com staff and news service reports updated 10/5/2011 5:50:40 AM ET 2011-10-05T09:50:40)
I guess this last research bullet just didn’t sit well with me. Probably because as a family we have lived the aftermath of combat, lived with the ghosts of the dead and dying, and had to cope with the nightmares, anxiety attacks, and flashback memories. It isn’t that any vet or his/her family wants empathy for his/her service, but to read that 70% believe that “it’s just part of being in the military” seems like a really insensitive statement.
I am not sure that any person, young or old, has a true idea of what war and combat is about. I am pretty sure, on the other hand, that none of them had any clue that what they do, see, and experience in hell will stay with them for a lifetime. That the war they fought on foreign soils will follow them home and into their living rooms, relationships, and careers. Few of them had any clue that these things were “just part of being in the military”.
Perhaps, since Vietnam, too many Americans have been too far removed from the sacrifices of war. During WWII everyone on the home front had to give up something for the war. Now, most give up nothing, while those few who serve give up far too much. The very least we at home can do is give two or three minutes each day to say a short prayer for those and their families who serve. Just remembering our military will certainly make us, not merely better people, but a more thoughtful, compassionate nation.
Aug
29
STRENGTHENING THE X FACTOR
Filed Under Family, Spouse, Tears of a Warrior | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
Last week I was honored by being the keynote speaker for the Women’s Luncheon at the annual Nebraska Vietnam Veteran Reunion. It is an interesting phenomenon, keynotes after eating. Most sane societies have a meal then nap for a bit. Yet, in the western world we seem to think people really want and are capable of listening to anything after ingesting a yummy luncheon. Therefore, the challenge of any meal speaker is to entertain while keeping his/her audience awake; a rather formidable task. Added to this test was the seriousness of my topic… talking about the effects of living with a spouse who is suffering with Post Traumatic Stress. Yikes!
Truthfully, this was a wonderful and unique opportunity to be with a large group of women who have endured decades of family and personal events colored by their loved one’s emotional combat trauma. The last thing I wanted was to have people leave the luncheon with more stress and upset stomachs. All of us have had way too much of these frailties. Consequently, I thought the best speech needed to be short, informative, and delivered with humor and solemnity. So here are just a few of the items I believe may be useful to strengthen the next years of these amazing women’s lives.
When I talk about the “X” Factor, it refers to what makes women, women. It is not a coincidence that women have two legs on their chromosomes to stand on versus a man’s one – “Y”. God knew we would need both legs on the “X” to stabilize us on our unforeseeable, earthly journey. Being wives, mothers, sisters… makes us caregivers and caretakers. Trauma from combat both physical and emotional makes this even more evident. “Whether it is our own mothers who stood by us in long-distance torment as we fought on foreign soil, or the mothers of the dead and wounded here as well as in Iraq and Afghanistan, we recognize that most often, it is the women—- mothers/wives… who are left to care for the broken bodies, souls, and societies left in the wake of war.”
Understanding and identifying our own actions may help protect our sanity and bodily health. Here were a few of the behaviors I asked the women to recognize and acknowledge as they interact with their loved one. Think about which of these four DOINGs you use the most:
Doing To: Blaming and Fault Finding
Doing For: Rescuing, Pampering, Becoming like the Bad Behavior
Doing NIL (nothing): Ignoring, Avoiding, Excluding, Rejecting — fuels emotions of shame in the brain
Doing With: Connecting, Clarifying, Restoring
So which category do you fall in most often? Believe me, the first three are quite easy to live in… The Doing With is much trickier to accomplish especially when you are tired, angry, and dealing with your own pain. For this reason I have adopted a powerful quote from St. Francis de Sales. I carry it in my purse. I have it on my kitchen counter, and I pasted it on my bedroom mirror.
“I made a pact with my tongue to never speak when my heart is in distress.”
Some days I am almost mute trying to practice this suggestion.
Jul
19
HEALING DAD
Filed Under Combat PTSD, Healing, PTSD, PTSD treatment, Tears of a Warrior, War | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
It was Father’s Day and I got to thinking about all of the vets who are fathers and all of the special moments we shared as a family, as well as the times when things weren’t all that peaceful. In our book, Tears of a Warrior, we wrote that the good things far out numbered the bad. Yet, those difficult periods left lasting wounds; wounds that still remind us of the challenges of living with Post Traumatic Stress. Healing the wounds within us and the wounds inflicted on our loved ones can be a life long endeavor – a journey that poses some questions in order to mend the injuries.
First, identify who has been wounded and who do you need to help heal, besides yourself? Which relationships have been most broken by past and/or present actions? These can be spouses, children, siblings, parents, friends, and even co-workers. Identifying your “wounded group” will require a great deal of personal self-reflection and honesty. Not something most of us humans do well. Root-canals are easier to endure than admitting we have verbally harmed someone we care about due our unhealthy behavior.
What exactly needs healing? Things like trust wounds, word wounds, responsibility wounds. What actions impaired the ability of others to trust us? What did we do that makes us question if we can trust ourselves? When have we used words to inflict hurt? Interesting things – words; they can leave wounds that are longer lasting and harder to forget or forgive than many bodily injuries. Unlike physical bruises which can be seen on the outside of our bodies, words bruise the heart in ways that can neither be seen nor easily healed.
If you have been able to get this far, the difficult question of How can I mend these wounds? emerges. It isn’t important to do something huge; start with something simple which may not be all that easy. A phone call, a letter – personally I like Hallmark cards or even the new internet e-cards can be the beginning of saying I’m sorry, or Forgive Me. PTSD has been a bit like the words Jesus used on the cross, “forgive them for they know not what they do”. Because we did not know better, it was hard to do better. Most of us had no idea what PTSD was or how living through war left the veteran with residue that impacted his/her actions for years to come. Now we can get better by knowing more about the demons of combat.
Healing others helps us heal ourselves. It is a way of living forward with hope and personal forgiveness. It may be the only way we can diminish some of the demons allowing us to lead a more productive and peaceful life. Don’t wait another day to give yourself this belated Father’s Day gift. Some who have been wounded by our actions may not be ready or able to give forgiveness. This will be their journey. You can’t force forgiveness, nor can you take responsibility for it once you have assumed ownership of your own past actions. Take a deep breath, make that first step and conquer your fears and procrastinations.
“You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try” (William Shakespeare).
Jun
25
GOOD GRIEF
Filed Under Combat PTSD, Good Grief, Life, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Trauma, Veterans, War | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
Good Grief – sounds like words Charlie Brown would proclaim when something illogical occurred. When you think about it, he was not that off base using this phrase, Good Grief, because grief, at least the first phase of mourning, is anything but logical. Experiencing grief is not a rational process. It is gut wrenching and emotionally challenging. Grief by its very definition: “deep sadness or mental distress caused by loss, remorse, or bereavement” (Webster’s Dictionary) leaves the sufferer questioning if he/she will or can survive the agony.
Too many of our military men and women have had to bear the loss of friends. Yet, due to circumstances of the battlefield, they cannot take the time, energy, or effort to fully move through the grieving process. Each individual must be able to carry on without the luxury of grieving. In war, there is always another job to do, a new battle to wage, and perhaps even further loss. Add PTSD to the grief process, and the mountain to healing becomes even steeper to climb.
It is little wonder that our young and old warriors return from combat with unresolved issues. Many of these problems center around the grief process or more accurately, lack of resolving the immense weight of unsettled pain. If we were to look at the grief process described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance – it is pretty easy to identify where & why many can get permanently stuck in one phase or another. To complicate matters, real grief processing requires going in and out of the various stages for a long period, often times skipping phases only to be plunged back to that pit at a moments notice.
Families of vets often state that their loved one is in denial; denial that they are suffering, denial that there is anything wrong with them, and denial that they can handle the situation without help. Then there is anger; anger at the government who sent them to fight, anger at the enemy, anger at a civilian society that has no clue of what they went through, and most devastating is anger at themselves for not being strong enough to overcome the trauma of combat. As far as bargaining, most warriors don’t seem to bargain for much of anything except for a break to live without all of the emotional baggage.
What we see a great deal of, when and if a veteran reaches this next phase is depression. This is the phase that may be the most difficult to get through and endure without resorting to self medication. For many the moments between denial, anger, and depression can be small; often they are mixed together in a whirling mass of chaos. Achieving acceptance is seldom a permanent stage, a stage which many of our wounded warriors never attain even for brief moments.
Dealing with Post Traumatic Stress is dealing with grief. It is not easy; it is not quick; it definitely is not logical; and it is not a journey that any one of us should have to go through alone. Is there such a thing as Good Grief? Truthfully, I am not sure any grief is good, but I have witnessed and have personally gone through mourning that is doable. To be perfectly honest, I am not sure grief made me stronger, but it certainly made me more compassionate and gave me a deeper appreciation of each ordinary day where I can breathe freely without feeling my heart breaking.
And that in and of itself is pretty darn GOOD.
Jun
17
LIVING STORIES
Filed Under Combat PTSD, Journal of Military Experience, Life, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Trauma, Treating PTSD, Veterans, War | Comments Off
It came in the mail, a book from a professor at Eastern Kentucky University, The Journal of Military Experience. Most publications I get from universities are on topics that deal with academia, you know – ways to teach literacy, how the brain works, and other research topics. This book was different. It wasn’t written by a bunch of stuffy professors based on their special investigative studies. Nope, this book was written by a group of young veterans who had served overseas and were trying to reintegrate into civilian and academic life. Needless to say, many of the stories and poems were composed with emotions that were still raw from combat.
The authors were students in Professor Travis Martin’s writing class. The purpose of his unique course was to help with the initial assimilation phase of university life. “Some of the authors write about the unspeakable things that they have been asked to do, or more accurately, that have been done to them. But some focus solely on that work of translation, making sense of a warrior culture and the mentality of an individual who has been bred, trained, and conditioned by a society in desperate need of a few willing to sacrifice for the many (Introduction).”
The theme in many pieces confirmed how challenging returning from war was for these young warriors. They wrote about who they were before combat and how they had changed from the experience. How seeing friends die before their eyes, how being shot at on a regular basis, how tough it was to determine who would live or perish depending on their interpretation of an approaching car or a family on the side of the road, how these battle experiences made their time during and after conflict more demanding. One marine described “every day someone else would die or get seriously injured. One of my friends lost his legs from a roadside bomb right outside our front gate at 0200 in the morning (Guy Robert Lubin, p. 6-7)”.
Yet, in spite of all of the horror, all the wounds both physical and emotional, not one individual regretted serving his country. Not one person wished he/she did not complete a tour of duty overseas. What some did question, though, was when or if they would ever be free from the fiends of warfare. One author acknowledged “you truly stop caring. You don’t want to shoot, but you will. You won’t think about it, until you get home that is (Bradley Johnson, p. 53)”. He continued, “While you fight and suffer and struggle, you are also changing, becoming someone totally different. The harsh and violent realities of war forces you to change. Emotions are an inconvenience — they distract you — making you feel and think instead of react. A distracted soldier is a dead soldier. My evolution was a great thing on the battlefield, but it is just as much a bad thing when you get home (p. 53)”.
In this book, there are profound words and stories from those few who have given so much for freedom in our country and lands far away. They are “living stories” from real warriors. They ask nothing but a smidgen of understanding and a bit of healing when they return. For every vet past, present or future let us value the sacrifice and honor the service never failing to remember how all gave some, while some gave all.
Jun
6
I AM
Filed Under Civilian life, Combat PTSD, Life, Love, Peace, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Treating PTSD, Veterans | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
For many of our military men and women who return from combat there is a burning question; a question that asks, “Who am I?” Who am I now that I have seen so much, done so much, and heard the despair of so many? For some there may be a feeling of unworthiness, a gnawing numbness of pain. They seek answers that seem to elude them; answers hidden somewhere between the battle fields and the present.
Every person wants to be validated in the world: to be seen, to be heard, to be felt. Returning from war often leaves a person with a sense of invisibility. A feeling that adds to the question, Who am I … this other person who wanders a world that once was so familiar now feels like a drifter in a land that may not seem recognizable.
Know this one simple truth, You are worthy of love. You are worthy of goodness. You are worthy of a life of joy and personal fulfillment. The trick is not that others view you as worthy. You must believe this for yourself. “You are responsible for your life”. And only You can create and live such a life. You alone must believe that you are worthy to live a good life and a life of meaning.
Combat can take one’s sense of self, but it does not take away one’s need to be a part of something, some mission, some worthy cause. The heartbreaking reality for many veterans is returning from battle with a frame of mind of being untrained to live in civilian society. You will need to work hard to find your path in this world after combat. No one can do this for you. It is a journey each individual will need to travel and seek out.
Some doubt they are up to the challenge. This is purely self deception. If you could be trained to perform all of the incredible feats of a skilled warrior, you certainly have the strength, intelligence and willpower to succeed in becoming your very best “I AM”. The gift has always been yours. It was bestowed on you at birth. The outside world may work hard to convince you otherwise. Some days it may be tempting to give up the search. But carry on. In your hands lies the power to choose.
Choose to accept your very best I AM.
May
28
THANK YOU FOR SERVING
Filed Under American Patriotism, Dogs, Events, Memorial Day, PTSD, PTSD treatment, Tears of a Warrior, Veterans, War, Wisdom | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
Such a simple phrase stated on too few occasions by too few individuals.
During our travels we get opportunities to visit some special places that offer discounts or free admission to veterans. Most of the time people are pretty gracious. Then there are those situations where the “keeper of the gate” are, in my opinion, just plain ignorant on how to treat veterans.
We have heard stories over and over again on this topic. Some are quite sad, while others are pretty darn funny. On one recent occasion we were visiting a National Park. Tony was asked to show the gatekeeper his driver’s license along with other proof of identity. He had already given her his National Park’s Access Pass for Disabled Vets along with his VA Identification card with picture and signature. Animals with embedded ID’s aren’t scrutinized as rigidly. After all the ID confirmations, she could clearly see he had more than provided adequate identification, yet she still insisted on seeing his driver’s license and two other forms of identification with his signature on it.
This scenario that was absurdly comical. Yet, another part was perfectly annoying. After we jumped through the “gate keeper’s” hoops, we moved forward. Only later after driving several miles down the road did I think of the perfect reply. The next time (and there will be a next time) we’re asked to wiggle through silly bureaucratic hoops, when they are finished with their requests, I am going to respond kindly with the following:
You really meant to say: “Welcome Home and Thank You for Your Service.”
I must admit it will be a bit amusing to see the reaction.
Memorial Day is a time to give recognition and say a prayer of gratitude for all who have paid the supreme sacrifice for serving their country. We should never forget.
All our military personnel and veterans are our quiet role models and noble heroes.
These deserve our respect.
FREEDOM IS NOT FREE.
May
19
TOUCHED BY COURAGE
Filed Under Brain Injury, Combat PTSD, Events, Family, Giving, Life, Love, PTSD, TBI & PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Trauma, Veterans, Wisdom | 4 Comments
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
A few weeks ago, Tony and I spent several days in the Grand Strand area of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
It was Military Appreciation Week.
Due to the special invitation of Retired Army Officer Sinclair Swan, we had the privilege of working with two local groups of military veterans, their spouses and family members.
During the day we met with several group members and their spouses. It was an amazing opportunity to not just speak to the individuals in attendance, but to listen and hear their stories as well. Each account reminded us of the enormous amount of courage it takes to get up each day, live it as best one can, and give back to others.
Two of the veterans have adult children who experienced traumatic car accidents which left them with severe head injuries. These vets are now the primary care givers. Not only have they endured their own trauma; now they must bear the suffering of their children. Several are challenged by serious health issues for them and/or their spouses.
Yet, they continue with great effort and fortitude to move forward. It is a humbling gift to have others shares their trauma and heartbreaks.
Contrary to some public perspective, most of these vets have lived and are living successful and productive lives. In spite of their demons, they have deliberately chosen to not let the past destroy the future. They have elected to make a difference for themselves, their families, their communities. Sinclair Swan meets every Saturday with vets who need help in filling out government forms to obtain services. Each has made significant contributions to serving others.
One individual wrote a special poem many years ago. Upon returning from Vietnam he described how he became homeless, sleeping in parks, and getting his “fixes” when needed. Then, one day, another homeless friend suggested they go to a church soup kitchen for a meal. It was there that a miracle occurred and his life changed. He got his faith back, his spirit, and eventually his life. At that time he wrote a poem which he has allowed us to share with you.
A Poem
By William Huffaker
If I only had one wish to make,
but that wish would surely come true.
I’d wish that I would be given the light
to turn the darkest sky into blue.
Now to you this may sound
like my mythical dreams
have blurred my vision
so that this only seems
to be an illusion
of hopeful abound,
and that my wish
I’ve not really found.
But I’ve found it I tell you.
As I’ve sought it in truth.
And I know now this answers’
been here since my youth.
But I just couldn’t see
through the clouds in my mind.
Through delusions of grandeur
I just couldn’t find.
This fabulous dream
that just had to be,
waiting and knowing,
someday that I’d see.
And even though skies
still sometimes turn black.
And visions of grandeur
still sometimes come back.
I know that there’s light
in the darkest of night.
And the tenderest loves
never far from my sight.
And now that my dream
has become something true.
If I had one more wish,
I would wish it for you.
Apr
24
LIVING INSIDE OURSELVES
Filed Under Combat PTSD, Life, Peace, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Trauma, Treating PTSD, Veterans | 2 Comments
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
We reside within our own wondrous environment, within ourselves, and wander about the internal hills and valleys everyday. If we are lucky and have lived a full life, the landscape of our inner country is filled with incredible diversity.
Mountains and valleys only have depth based on the extent of our experiences. The brilliant hues of colors cannot be painted on an empty canvas. Nope, such vividness is achieved through a great many life events: joy, grief, humility, arrogance, chaos, serenity… all mixed throughout the years.
Yet, through all our trials and triumphs, with a bit of luck, our inner artist refuses to put down the paintbrush. Each day offers elements to add to the internal country; an element that increases the vastness of the spirit. Within ourselves we wander with purpose and courage. Trauma takes a toll which only hope can overcome.
We become our best selves not because we lived a safe, comfortable life, but because we have fully lived. There is a huge difference between a life of ease and one of worth. The first took little effort; the latter required a deep sense of duty, sacrifice, relentless perseverance, and sometimes tears. All of these make a life of worth a special gift to the world. A gift that lives far beyond our short existence.
Which life have your lived so far. Which life are you living now? What would your canvas look like? Certainly, like any remarkable work of art, it would have its dark contrasts; yet, I hope it would also contain sweeps of light, touches of brilliant colors, and areas of tender hues which embrace a sense of peace and serenity.
Mar
17
AGING WITH TRAUMA
Filed Under Aging, Healing Waters, Life, PTSD, Tears of a Warrior, Trauma | Comments Off
by Janet J. Seahorn, Ph.D
Yikes! When we read about the Golden Years they don’t always seem so wonderful. Most of you have read that old saying, “aging is not for sissies”, and that cliché was written for the average person who has a lighter set of luggage to carry. For veterans and their families, many don’t carry bags of crap; they have a huge trunk of it, and it doesn’t seem to get lighter with time.
For almost two years I have resisted writing this particular blog. Why? Because it scares the #### out of me. I admit it; I am a sissy for growing old. Not because I am afraid of needing an expensive face lift, or having to wear fancy old people diapers. OK, those things do concern me, but they aren’t nearly as distressing as the more intrusive symptoms of age. Now, add the effects of living a lifetime suffering with PTSD or living with someone with PTSD and the image gets uglier. Even strong, rose colored glasses haven’t been able to calm my apprehension. Therefore, it is time I write what I know, and have known for a very long time. Aging with trauma is not for fragile minds or bodies.
Here are some facts that have been around for a long time regarding aging and PTSD.
- People with type 2 diabetes who also suffer with PTSD face a 36% higher risk of going blind or developing kidney disease (American Diabetes Association).
- Heart problems and high blood pressure are more common — DUH!
- Mood disorders such as depression are more prevalent if one has not sought help. Double Duh!
- Depression increases the risk of heart attack by 25% (VFW, March 2011)
- Alzheimer and/or dementia increases.
We have long known that PTSD affects the body and the brain, so it is not a big aha that any of these conditions gets worse with age since the body’s immune system is weakened and not as robust as when we are young. In giving all of these amusing statistics, I can’t stop without putting in some actions that will prolong the drought of age. Again, we all know these but sometimes do little to practice what know. Call it lack of well-power or procrastination, the two twins of sin.
- 1. Exercise everyday. This promotes blood flow to the brain which is pretty darn important for keeping the feeble thinking and crippled rascals at bay. It also increases muscle mass and strengthens bones keeping us from being in a wheel-chair instead of on a ski lift.
- 2. Watch what you eat… “What’s on your plate determines your fate.” Damn, I love a warm, gooey chocolate donut, a double scoop of ice cream, or a basket of salty French fires, and they seem to love me, my thighs and clotted arteries just as much.
- 3. Drink lots of water. It is the best purifier of the body and removes all that excess material, especially sodium that helps lower heart pressure.
- 4. Practice deep breathing and meditation. Lots of research shows how these actions promote a sense of well-being… only problem is my lack of concentration. Practice makes this better and really does improve the entire mind/body.
- 5. Add more fiber to your diet. J I don’t think I need to go into detail with this one, but fiber literally will help lighten our trunks of crap.
- 6. Get plenty of sleep. Nothing can take the place of rest for promoting good health.
- 7. At least I can still have my lattes and tea… at least four hours before bedtime.
- 8. Oh, and don’t forget laughter, it is the best of all exercises for our mind, our bodies, and our hearts.
Aging is inevitable, but aging with grace and good health will take courage, will-power, and making good personal choices.