Aug

25

SPOUSE NEEDS HELP

Filed Under Black Lions, Combat PTSD, PTSD, PTSD treatment, Tears of a Warrior, War 

by Janet J. Seahorn

soldier-tears-getty

 

 

There it is again – another message from a spouse needing help to cope with the conditions his/her companion faces after returning from combat.

Just reading their stories make me feel like weeping, screaming, and wondering… why our various government systems aren’t doing much in this area. To be sure, some Vet centers are implementing some innovative and helpful programs for spouses and families. Yet, far too many are going unnoticed and unheard. Some spouses don’t know where to go to access services; some simply can’t find anything near them that makes it feasible to get such services; and some want/need groups they can access through the internet.  As one person explained… I am looking for a group that will tell me what they are going through and how they are handling it.  I want some group I can talk to and be open and honest with that I can tell them the things that wives of PTSD vets are afraid to open up about…PLEASE HELP ME TO FIND THAT GROUP I KNOW SOME OF THE THINGS I HAVE GONE THROUGH I DON‘T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW ABOUT…

 

            There is such pain just hanging out in our families and their personal relationships. Pain that few others see. Pain that the spouse and family don’t feel comfortable or safe sharing with anyone other than individuals who have been through similar experiences. Finding appropriate and effective programs need to be a high priority if our veterans and their marriages are to survive in a healthy and positive relationship.

 

After reading an e-mail from a wife of a Vietnam vet with PTSD who is also the mother of a son who just returned from combat with similar difficulties (double whammy), I responded with this note. I hope she won’t mind me sharing with our readers, since she is only one of hundreds who are worried, discouraged, and questioning what can be done to make things better. In almost every such message, the writer speculates if she has done something wrong or not done enough, whatever enough might be in these situations.  Below is my response – I hope it helps.

 

Please know you have done nothing “wrong by your children”… war has done the damage. PTSD is similar to trying to swim upstream through raging rapids and water falls.  It is a moment by moment and daily challenge, but there is hope. The key is to get as much information as possible, set and STICK to appropriate boundaries, and try as hard as you can not to make excuses for your husband’s or son’s behavior.  I did this for a very long time and still, at times, fall into this hole. By making excuses for our loved ones, we do not hold them or ourselves accountable for the behavior. Just like any challenging illness or disability, the individual and family must work twice as hard as those not encumbered by the condition. What I was really saying when I made such excuses is that I didn’t believe that either I or my husband could do better or get better, and that simply was not true or accurate.  We continue to heal, but we still have our bad days/times, which we know won’t totally disappear. The biggest hope is that we are better than we were before Tony got help with the VA center.  By writing the book (Tears of a Warrior), I spent nine years researching the information and thinking about how it related to our situation.  I kept saying to myself, “if only I/we had known this when… we could have done so much better or differently”. 

It is important that both your husband and son seek help with your nearest VA center.  If you aren’t happy with the service there, go somewhere else.  We found we had to do that and finally found a wonderful VA center here in Ft. Collins and Cheyenne.  ### was not so helpful.

As for your son, I understand how you must feel… both my sons are grown and on their own, but there are times I wish I could “kiss their boo boos, and make the hurt go away” like when they were little.  A mother’s heart never is far from those of her children. Just the way it is. Now I tell my sons, “I can not solve their problems, because this is yours to do for yourselves. But I will always be there to listen, support, and love you.”  I try to end by telling them this…”I know you are a wonderful, intelligent, and strong person. And I know you have the determination and courage to solve this situation. I know this with all my heart and I trust you. Keep trying. You can do it.”

The other point that I will end with is to ask yourself, “Do we have more good times than bad? Are we both trying and improving?”  If the answer is YES, we keep going. If the answer was ever NO, things would be drastically different.

I hope this helps.  Please know there is help out there.  Check with your VA center to see if their are any support groups for spouses. For some these groups are a big help… I believe one has to be in the right group – not in a group where everyone just complains and leaves more depressed. 

 

One last note: I was truly surprised when I did some recent internet searches on support for spouse to find there are few available.  One I found is

 

http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/groups.html.

 

If in all your searching nothing viable is available, think about starting a group. Almost every organization and many services began with one person taking action and building something useful for others who share a similar need.

 

Best of luck and blessing.

 

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